Because I Can't Afford Therapy...

I'm relaunching the blog (yes, again...whatever.) This time I think I'm going to attempt to say what's on my mind without censoring myself much (within reason, of course.) It has been an incredibly crappy year and I'm stressed nearly to my breaking point, and extremely tired of tiptoeing around other people's feelings when so very few give a damn about mine. I mean, I had 2 surgeries in 3 months' time this year, and in the first a device was implanted into my chest & they used a metal tool to tunnel up my neck to make a path to insert the wires that are wrapped around a major nerve...How many people stopped by to check on us, see if Cordy needed help w/the kids, drop off a meal, I dunno'...see if I was dead? NONE. Got a few phone calls, but everyone was too busy. I do understand that everyone has their own families, jobs, responsibilities & lives, but when did it become too hard to take a little bit of time out to show someone that they are worthy of your time-beyond just a phone call? Honestly, it seems like I had more real/true friends when I was "Bitchy" Alyssa-meaner/more obnoxious, less worried about hurting people's feelings. Oddly enough, these are also the friends who have stuck with me through the years, while the newer "friends" have faded in & out when it's convenient for them. Perhaps mellower me just invites being walked on?

Well, I've had more than enough. I'm not in high school anymore & am not going to play "She said you said" or "She said you did" games. I'm tired of counting on people when they say they're going to do something, and they consistently don't do it...and it really pisses me off when it's something concerning my children. Absolutely do NOT tell my children you want to do something for them/with them, if you aren't going to follow through-it hurts them all the more because they don't understand your reason/excuse, and it makes my head want to explode (or make your head explode) that you keep disappointing my children and are completely oblivious to it. I'm so very close to just shutting off my brain-to-mouth filter completely when dealing with everyone except children. Hell, I have neurological issues & that can actually be a side effect, so you freakin' people would never know if it was from my health issues or just my personality.

Here's the deal: I'm going to post all kinds of crap on this blog. Good stuff, bad stuff, meh stuff, probably the occasional contest. But know this-This is my blog. It is my place to write what I need to get out, when I need to get it out. I won't use names unless I have permission (because I'm cool like that) but that doesn't mean you won't recognize yourself/others won't recognize you in my maniacal rantings. Deal with it, or don't read.

Look What I Found...My Blog!!

I knew it was around here somewhere...I put it in "a very safe place." (You know, that black hole where things that were especially meant not to get lost seem to vanish within.) Or yanno', maybe I just got busy, tired, & lazy and stopped writing. I'll do a condensed catch-up post soon, but let's revive the blog w/something fun, shall we?

Most of my friends know that I'm a Bzzagent & get to try products/services for free, then honestly review them-good or bad. Recently, I received a campaign for got2b smooth operator. (I just have to say that the spelling/grammar freak in me is bothered by the lack of capitalization in their product name & I keep capitalizing it automatically when I write about it, then having to go back and "fix" it.) Anyway, I received a bunch of samples of the smoothing Lustre Lotion w/a coupon attached, some coupons for $2.50 off 1 smooth operator smoothing lustre lotion OR 1 smoothing hairspray, and a coupon that was supposed to be for 1 FREE lustre lotion or hairspray. I, as well as *MANY* other BzzAgents had great difficulty using the FREE coupon, due to some unfortunate wording, so BzzAgent & got2b issued us a new, corrected FREE coupon. Fortunately for me, I was finally able to use my 1st coupon at CVS during a BOGO (Buy One, Get One) and ended up with 2 free products...the day before my new coupon arrived. SO, I'm thinkin': GIVEAWAY!

The winner will receive:

• 1 coupon for FREE 1 smooth operator smoothing lustre lotion or smoothing hairspray. (Exp. 8/13/10)

• 1 coupon for SAVE $2.50 off 1 smooth operator smoothing lustre lotion or smoothing hairspray   (Exp 9/30/10)
• 2 sample packets of the smoothing lustre lotion  w/a SAVE $1.00 on any full size got2b smooth operator product coupon attached (Exp 5/1/11)

Since the expiration date on the FREE coupon is so soon, this is going to be a very short giveaway: starts today (Tuesday 7/27) & ends Friday (7/30) at 10 pm EST. I'll use a random number generator to pick the winner & contact by email. You'll have until Sunday (8/1) to respond, or an alternate winner will be chosen.

How to Enter:

1. Leave me a comment to basically say, "Hey, I was here!" & make sure I have your email.
2. Blog/tweet/write a Facebook message about the giveaway, then come back & leave another comment letting me know that you did.
3. Follow my blog & leave another comment letting me know that you do.

That's up to 3 chances per person! And just as an FYI-I love this stuff! It smells really great-sort of fruity/flowery, but doesn't bother my allergies-which is amazing for a scented product. It did an awesome job smoothing my thick, coarse hair without making it look greasy, clumpy or flat. And let me tell you, it gets HUMID in the summer in Kentucky...I had no idea what real humidity was, growing up in IL, so if these products can fight the fly-aways & frizz brought on by the heat & humidity here, they definitely have my seal of approval!

Food...My Antidrug

This post is meant to serve as the post that should have gone up last week for BlogapaLOSEa...I'll actually post again later in THIS week. Last week I could barely keep my head on straight, let alone form coherent sentences regarding my weight-loss progress...or lack thereof. Yep, that's right, I gained 3 friggin' pounds. I have lots of reasons/excuses: Wickedly bad insomnia that kept me awake until 3 or 4 am & then getting up w/the kids at 6:30 or 7 am, which led to me drinking pop instead of water. Me worrying about my mom, who was/is going through something personal & emotional, and I'm 7-8 friggin' hours too far away to even just give her a hug. Me wishing I could be there to help out my brother & sister-in-law as she prepares to have surgery this week, and I'm too far away to babysit my nephew, or make some meals for them, or help in any way. Being irritated because I started calling the pediatrician's office as soon as it opened on Tuesday, couldn't even get anything other than a busy signal for AN HOUR, when I finally got through, got put on hold for another 10 mins, only to be told they had absolutely no open appointments & a nurse could call me back...I was a CNA, worked in several doc offices & 2 physical therapy clinics, so I don't run my kids to the doc screaming for antibiotics for every little sniffle...but OH MY HELL, if I call & tell you that I think my toddler has an upper respiratory infection, you damn well better find a place for him! And these things are just the tip of the iceberg.

So, I did what I've done for far too many years & smothered my crappy feelings with food. I don't drink alcohol-or at least I haven't in several years. I take too many prescription drugs to dabble with recreational drugs. I don't smoke...have never even tried it, nor do I have any desire to. Ahh, but food...food is my vice. It's not even just junk food, though when I'm particularly in a funk that's generally what I'll head for. I even know what my biggest problem/reason/excuse is...I just don't know how to fix it:

I'm lonely. I'm a stay-home mom of 2 young kids, and it seems like the friends I made (or thought I made) here in KY have mostly dried up & blown away. I don't know if there's something about me that just repels people-if maybe my "baggage" is too much for them, or if everyone is just too busy with their own families & lives that it's just too hard to deal with someone who occasionally can't drive for months at a time, so that means being friends with me means a little more work on their part in that respect (which anyone who chooses to stay friends with me KNOWS I more than make up for in so many other ways.) The oddest thing is, I have a friend from grade school who would drop everything & fly here from UTAH if I told her I needed her-she wouldn't even ask why. I have another friend from college who would do the same, who lives in IL. Yet, I can't get people here to call me back after I leave them several messages. It just blows my mind because supposedly I'm a much more mellow, easy-going, nicer person than I was in grade school/high school/college...yet those are the people who seem to want to stay in contact with me, not the people I've met in the past few years. It almost seems like the universe is telling me I should just start being bitchier again & maybe I'll actually make some friends who want to go shopping occasionally or hang out & watch a movie.

"...Lonely, so lonely.
Tin can at my feet,
I think I'll kick it down the street.
That's the way to treat a friend.

Bright before me the signs implore me:
Help the needy and show them the way.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today."

(I Think It's Going To Rain Today, Bette Midler)