Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Food...My Antidrug

This post is meant to serve as the post that should have gone up last week for BlogapaLOSEa...I'll actually post again later in THIS week. Last week I could barely keep my head on straight, let alone form coherent sentences regarding my weight-loss progress...or lack thereof. Yep, that's right, I gained 3 friggin' pounds. I have lots of reasons/excuses: Wickedly bad insomnia that kept me awake until 3 or 4 am & then getting up w/the kids at 6:30 or 7 am, which led to me drinking pop instead of water. Me worrying about my mom, who was/is going through something personal & emotional, and I'm 7-8 friggin' hours too far away to even just give her a hug. Me wishing I could be there to help out my brother & sister-in-law as she prepares to have surgery this week, and I'm too far away to babysit my nephew, or make some meals for them, or help in any way. Being irritated because I started calling the pediatrician's office as soon as it opened on Tuesday, couldn't even get anything other than a busy signal for AN HOUR, when I finally got through, got put on hold for another 10 mins, only to be told they had absolutely no open appointments & a nurse could call me back...I was a CNA, worked in several doc offices & 2 physical therapy clinics, so I don't run my kids to the doc screaming for antibiotics for every little sniffle...but OH MY HELL, if I call & tell you that I think my toddler has an upper respiratory infection, you damn well better find a place for him! And these things are just the tip of the iceberg.

So, I did what I've done for far too many years & smothered my crappy feelings with food. I don't drink alcohol-or at least I haven't in several years. I take too many prescription drugs to dabble with recreational drugs. I don't smoke...have never even tried it, nor do I have any desire to. Ahh, but is my vice. It's not even just junk food, though when I'm particularly in a funk that's generally what I'll head for. I even know what my biggest problem/reason/excuse is...I just don't know how to fix it:

I'm lonely. I'm a stay-home mom of 2 young kids, and it seems like the friends I made (or thought I made) here in KY have mostly dried up & blown away. I don't know if there's something about me that just repels people-if maybe my "baggage" is too much for them, or if everyone is just too busy with their own families & lives that it's just too hard to deal with someone who occasionally can't drive for months at a time, so that means being friends with me means a little more work on their part in that respect (which anyone who chooses to stay friends with me KNOWS I more than make up for in so many other ways.) The oddest thing is, I have a friend from grade school who would drop everything & fly here from UTAH if I told her I needed her-she wouldn't even ask why. I have another friend from college who would do the same, who lives in IL. Yet, I can't get people here to call me back after I leave them several messages. It just blows my mind because supposedly I'm a much more mellow, easy-going, nicer person than I was in grade school/high school/college...yet those are the people who seem to want to stay in contact with me, not the people I've met in the past few years. It almost seems like the universe is telling me I should just start being bitchier again & maybe I'll actually make some friends who want to go shopping occasionally or hang out & watch a movie.

"...Lonely, so lonely.
Tin can at my feet,
I think I'll kick it down the street.
That's the way to treat a friend.

Bright before me the signs implore me:
Help the needy and show them the way.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today.

(I Think It's Going To Rain Today, Bette Midler)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

My Very First Giveaway!!

My BlogSpark sent me a "Yoplait Less Sugar, More Fun" pack including a coupon for FREE Yoplait kids yogurt (up to $3.75), a travel cooler (to take your yogurt on-the-go), a fun spoon that changes colors in warm water, a reusable place mat with games to keep the kids happy while snacking, and a fuzzy tangle puzzle for some after-snack fun.

It's pictured with yogurt, but of course, that wasn't actually shipped. However, that does give you a good idea of how big the thermal bag's like a jumbo-sized lunch bag! The fuzzy puzzle was a huge hit in our house. My 17-month old played with it for a couple of hours until big sis got home from preschool, and they've been fighting over it ever since. We are BIG fans of yogurt in this house, so this was an awesome package to get. My daughter asks for yogurt every time we go shopping & I'm thrilled to know she's getting her Calcium and Vitamin D without an overload of sugar-Yoplait Kids has 25% less. Needless to say, this coupon was redeemed very quickly & the official review is: "It's GOOD, can I have more?"

Want one of these prize packs for yourself? You KNOW you do!! My BlogSpark has offered 2 prize packs for me to give away! How cool is that?! OK, so here's whatcha' gotta' do:

**Total of 3 entries allowed per person**

1. Leave me a comment describing how you make snack time fun for your kids. Include your 1st name & blog/email info.

2. Subscribe via email/reader or follow my blog. (These options are in the left sidebar.) Come back & leave another comment w/1st name & blog/email info. If you already subscribe/follow, Thank You! Give yourself another entry.

3. Write a posting on your blog or Facebook about the giveaway, or tweet about it on Twitter. Make sure you leave another comment w/your info letting me know you did this.

Coupon is void in ID, LA, ND, NJ, NV, and TN
Entry is open to US residents only through 11:59 pm EST, Sun 10/11/09. Winners will be chosen using, notified by email & have 48 hours to respond or an alternate will be chosen.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Testing Limits

I really meant to post this earlier in the week, but it has been a rough week. My daughter, who is 4 3/4 years old, seems to think that she will be turning 15 in January rather than 5 & has been testing her limits. Someone needs to explain to her that you don't test your limits when Mommy has recently come off of her anti-anxiety med & is having wicked will not win. (Someone should probably explain this to Hubs as well.)

Anyway, not much to discuss this week since I only lost 1 lb. I don't have a pic since we had misplaced the camera for the majority of the week, but trust me, I look the same. Now the key is going to be avoiding all the wonderful Halloween goodies. I'm starting to see coupons & sales for the candy, so best thing I can think to do is make sure the bags don't get opened until Halloween. I know candy is fine in moderation, but I'm not sure I know what my limit is, so it's probably better if I wait until after we hand most of it out & then save a few pieces for myself and have Hubs take the rest to work for the guys.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Does This Forklift Make Me Look Fat?

Not much to report this week for BlogapaLOSEa: I did lose 1.5 lbs & I'm proud of myself that I'm continuing to lose, and have modified my eating habits to do so. I really thought that I would have gained by now, especially since I haven't been exercising as much as I want to be. I know a big part of it is that I've all but stopped drinking soda; I was actually irritated when we went to my husband's company's open house on Saturday & the only drink choices for lunch were soda. Seriously, how hard would it have been to have some bottled water too? Then again, the lunch was hot dogs & bagged chips, so there wasn't anything healthy about it. I only had a hot dog & approx. 1/4 can of soda. We headed over to the Spoonbread Festival after that & I smelled all sorts of wonderful fair/festival foods that I very much wanted but managed to restrain myself from purchasing. (FYI-for anyone who doesn't know what spoonbread is, it's essentially undercooked, slimy cornbread & tastes nasty, IMHO.) One of the guys Hubs works with told my 4 y.o. daughter that she needed to get a fried Snickers bar when we went to the Spoonbread Festival. Mmmkay...I love Snickers bars, but that sounds unappealing & like about a gazillion calories. Not that my lil' girl needs to watch calories-however, the mental image of her w/a fried Snickers bar & the cleanup afterwards...*shudder*

OK, so here are 2 pics. Bonus pic since I didn't post one last week.

*No, I don't use the forklift to shovel in my food.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Virus Detected

I was supposed to post my BlogapaLOSEa update on Monday or Tuesday, but have been feeling kinda' crummy this week. Apparently, so are many of the people around where I live, since we had to wait over an hour at Urgent Care last night (and that was just to be called back to a room-we waited another 20 minutes to be seen.) On the plus side, my 4 y.o. daughter & I don't have ear infections or the flu, we have "a virus" that has been going around. I suspect my 17-month old son may have it too, since he had a massive diaper blowout on Tuesday-the same day I was in/out of the bathroom all day-not that you wanted to know. And, when you're already feeling like crap, the last thing you really need is the sight & smell of it everywhere. Since I'm not allowed to bathe my children by myself, I had to call hubs at work & have him come home to give the boy a bath, then go back to work. FYI: The reason I'm not allowed to bathe my kids by myself is that I'm an epileptic & have had some issues w/my seizure control this year. I can only change my son's diaper on the floor, I can't take a shower unless someone else is home, and I haven't been able to drive since May-but barring any more seizures, I'll be allowed to drive again at the end of this which point it becomes a matter of how I feel about it. Whether I feel I'm ready. But I digress...

OK, so from Wed 9/9-Mon 9/14 I lost 5 lbs! That makes a total of 7 lbs so far. I've been really good about drinking water, to the point that when I tried to drink some ginger ale on Tues. to settle my stomach, the carbonation actually upset it more. I had Hubs help me load a bunch of music onto my MP3 player to walk/exercise to and that has really been great, but I still have plenty of room so if anyone has any suggestions feel free to suggest! I prefer something w/a good beat to keep me going, but there's always a need for cool-down songs too. And I'll listen to almost anything; here's a sample of who I have on there so far: Alanis, Live, Motley Crue, Metallica, KC and the Sunshine Band, Beastie Boys, Smashing Pumpkins, Green Day, GNR, Rick Astley, Sublime, C & C Music Factory...and more. As far as the actual exercise goes, I've been using our elliptical, treadmill & recumbant bike. I will start adding in the Ab-lounge & some other toning/strengthening exercises with time. As it gets cooler & less humid, I also plan to walk in my subdivision more. I had an awesome walk Sat. evening-Hubs got the kids ready for bed & I did 2 rounds. My subdivision is great for walking because it's essentially a big loop w/a smaller loop in the middle, and it's hilly (is that even a word? Spellcheck isn't yelling at me...) so you get a decent workout.

We went to Fazoli's for dinner last Sat. since kids eat free on weekends. Fazoli's is very generous w/their portions, so I've never needed to get anything larger than a small spaghetti w/meat sauce & usually can't finish the whole thing. Of course, I usually also eat 3 or 4 of their incredibly yummy garlic butter breadsticks and get a large Coke. I went in with a better mindset this time: I asked for a to-go container & immediately put half of my order of small spaghetti w/meat sauce in it. That made what was on my plate a more realistic portion size. I got a large drink, but it was ice water & I only ate 2 breadsticks. Then Hubs, daughter & I all shared a piece of chocolate cake. Miss Thing had devoured her dinner & was digging into the cake at warp speed...but then, she has the metabolism of a hummingbird on meth.

We picked up a digital kitchen scale at Meijer on Sun. It's a Taylor/Biggest Loser brand & the one I had actually been looking at online. This will help w/my portion control & also with some of the bulk shopping separation we do. Speaking of The Biggest Loser, Hubs & I watched it for the first time ever on Tues evening, and I just have to say Bob is an idiot & Jillian is an evil shrew. During the 1st weigh-ins, Bob was making all of these exaggerated horribly shocked/disgusted faces. They cut to a clip of just him after the heaviest woman was weighed, and he said "476 pounds?! Oh my God, this girl is big!" Um, no duh, Bob. Why do you think she's there?! And I seriously just wanted to punch Jillian in the throat. Screaming & swearing at people, calling them lazy & pathetic-it doesn't seem helpful or inspiring to me, it seems more like some of the obnoxious jerks I went to high school with. I had a conversation w/my best friend about it on Facebook & told her that someone screaming at me wouldn't make me "want it" more & that she needs to have more respect for the people she's working with. However, I'm thinkin' we'll be watching again.

**As of right now, I don't have a picture for this week since I've been feeling ucky. I managed a shower this evening, so if I manage a pic tomorrow, I'll add it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I vill crush you vith my tree-trunk legs!

OK, so whose bright idea was it to start a weight-loss challenge the same week that there would be hardcore PMS?! Oh yeah, that would be me-there's obviously something not right in my head (duh.) Actually, that's not too far off...with PMS came a cluster migraine and NO desire to exercise! On some days I barely had a desire to lift my head up, but I have 2 small kids to take care of so I sucked it up & got on with my day. We did manage to get started digging out our exercise equipment & I hope to be able to be using it by this weekend. We also did something I've been wanting to do for a while now: we made our hamburgers this weekend out of 1/2 ground beef & 1/2 ground turkey. They still had the beef taste to them, and I'm just not ready/willing to go the full turkeyburger route. Tonight, we made tacos & did the same thing, and honestly, I would never have known there was ground turkey in there if I hadn't cooked it. I've also been trying to make healthier choices in terms of my snacks-and actually remember to eat snacks, since I tend to get kinda' headachey & mean when I'm hungry. (Those of you who just said "How is that different from you any other time?" STFU.) I've been really good about drinking more water, but old habits die hard: We went to Steak 'n' Shake & when the waiter asked for our drinks, I automatically ordered a coke-even though that's not what I really wanted. Oh yeah, and drinking more water means I have to pee...A LOT! The last thing I started working with over the past week was portion sizes. This is something that has always confused me; for example, a serving of meat is supposed to be 2-3 oz or approx the size of a deck of cards. I *know* the servings of meat I eat are bigger than that, and certainly the servings of everything else I eat are bigger than they're supposed to be. So, this past week, instead of eating meals on a dinner plate, I used a lunch/salad plate. I thought that until I can figure out the correct (or closer to the correct) serving/portion sizes, at least this would help keep me from putting too much on the plate! Hubs & I are thinking about getting a digital kitchen scale if we can find one at a reasonable enough price.

So here's this week's picture. I wore tighter clothes this time so everyone could get a good look what I need to work on-especially my short, stumpy lil' tree-trunk legs. I should have rolled up my sleeves so you could see my flabby upper-arms, but you get the idea. I would actually be pretty happy if I lost some boob too...I know that's not what most women want to lose & is the 1st thing they usually do. However, I'm tired of hauling these things around. I lost A LOT of weight in college (went from sz 16 to sz 6) and didn't lose a bit of boob. Man, was I pissed! Anyway, my progress for last week: Lost 3 lbs, then gained 2, then lost 1-so, I guess we'll call it even at lost 2 lbs.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Weight a minute; Fat's not what I said

I've been feeling pretty crappy for quite some time now-physically, mentally, and emotionally. There's not much I can do about some of it except find better ways of dealing with it. However, I know that I need to take better care of some aspects of my health & that will help with other parts. First and foremost, I need to lose a significant amount of weight. Heart problems & diabetes are on both sides of my family, so I need to do whatever I can to prevent these in myself. When I saw that one of the awesome gals I follow on Twitter, Mother Tongue, (AKA: Heather) & a friend of hers had decided to launch BlogapaLOSEa today, I debated it for a few days, discussed it w/Hubs, made excuses w/myself why I COULDN'T do it...and then signed up to do it. I need the support, people. I hope my support will help the others that are doing this. The contest ends 5 days before my birthday & honestly, even if I don't win, it would still be a great birthday present to have lost some weight, gained some friends & be healthier.

This is a full-length shot of me; something I avoid like the plague, but a new one will be posted every week for the next 12 weeks. According to my scale (lying bastard!!), I need to lose 60 lbs to get to my reasonable goal weight. You'll notice I haven't shared my current weight or goal weight with you...I'm just not ready for that yet. maybe once I start losing a little bit. Those of you who know me, if the suspense is killing you or something, email me & I may be persuaded to tell you.
Things I'm doing to kick this off: Trying to remember to eat during the day. That may sound counter-productive, but one of my epilepsy medications tends to make me tired & just "blah", and I don't eat until dinnertime-then I eat a huge dinner & snack all evening. Oh, except for the Dr. Pepper that I sip on all day...It's generally only one 20 oz, but I think I'd like to try to turn that into several glasses of water, or caffeine-free iced tea w/Splenda. One of the most important things: I have to get off my ass & exercise. Thanks to Craigslist, Freecycle, Cheapcyle & other second-hand sources, we have a fairly nice home gym with a treadmill, elliptical, recumbant bike, Ablounge sport, 2 different size exercise balls, and a variety of bands & weights. Now all I have to do is dig them out from under the mounds of boxes & other crap piled around them and actually use them for their intended purpose. Hey! That will count as exercise too!

I do not expect to lose the entire 60 lbs in the next 12 weeks-that would be an unrealistic & unhealthy goal. However, I will be going from a somewhat sedentary lifestyle to a more active one, I will be eating & drinking better, and I'm hoping to see at least half if not a little more of it gone!

The Mantra of the Month in September's Shape magazine was just the inspiration I needed:
"I will change...gradually."
"Big changes are tough to maintain. If you make your goals too monumental, you risk feeling disappointment when you can't get there fast enough-and you could give up. This month focus on modifying your life incrementally. So before you commit to making every meal from scratch, brown-bag it a few times a week. Or instead of immediately trying to run five miles, go just one and then add on a few minutes each time you work out. Small steps won't get get you where you want to be quickly, but they'll get you there, and that's what's most important.
~Jared Matthew Weiss

I'm going to cut it out & put it on my fridge to remind me that this is a journey...and a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Stepp!

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Lisa: [writing] Dear log, can it be true? Does every Simpson go through a process of dumbening? "Hey, that's not how you spell 'dumbening'. Wait a minute… 'dumbening' isn't even a word!"

I had to start off with that Simpsons quote because it describes how I've been feeling lately pretty accurately...I've been experiencing a dumbening. The technical medical term for it is Psychomotor Slowing, and it's a side effect of both my epilepsy & the medication I take to treat it. But seriously folks, how many of you would know what the hell I was talking about if I threw that term at you? What it amounts to is that I'm feeling incredibly frustrated because there are things I *KNOW* I should know how to do, but can't remember, or can't concentrate on. I have several unfinished craft projects in the basement, including my son's baby/toddler blanket. I used to be able to fill notebook after notebook with stories & poetry, and now sometimes I have to force myself to sit down & return an email. Earlier this week, I wanted to take a picture of my son, so I picked up our digital camera & then just looked at it...because I couldn't remember how to turn the damn thing on! It wouldn't have been so bad, but for the fact that my 4-year-old daughter was standing right next to me and said "Why aren't you turning it on, Mommy?" Right then, I was so upset & frustrated, I pretty much wanted to hurl the camera on the floor in a big dramatic scene. However, since that would have terrified my daughter (and since I'm not stupid enough to throw an expensive piece of equipment on the floor), I simply said, "Oh, I think it's too dark in here to take a picture." By the way, you just push the button on top of the freakin' thing to turn it on...I remembered that about 1 full minute after my son stopped doing what I wanted to take a picture of.

I don't know if having 2 seizures in one day a few weeks ago (which I haven't done in approx. 20 years!) fried off a few extra brain cells or what, but it just seems like I have to work a little harder to concentrate & I've been mixing up more words. Of course, my neurologist did increase my medication after that, so that probably also has some influence. I see my doc on Friday & can chat with her about it, but honestly, I doubt we'll do much because this is probably the best med I've been on. I've been on one that made my weight balloon up, made me nauseous (at the same time!), made me suicidally depressed & made my hair fall out in clumps; one that made my hair fall out in huge handfulls & made me pretty sleepy; one that made me want to sleep 20 hours/day & a few that really just didn't work for me. Oh yeah, there was the one we talked about putting me on that can cause a toxic rash...have I mentioned that I'm paler than my red-headed husband & have pretty sensitive skin, prone to odd rashes? Yeah, let's jump right on that one-NOT!

So many people I talk to are amazed that I'm not more upset by not being able to drive for months at a time, or not being allowed to take baths-having to shower instead, which is hilarious to me since I've had 2 separate seizures in the shower, or the precautions I have to take with my kids. Well, I don't care about driving; sure it's a little inconvenient when I want to go somewhere NOW & have to wait until someone is available to take me, but hey-I have 2 kids...when do I get to go anywhere I want to go anyway? We've had to make some adjustments & thank goodness my husband's work schedule is flexible so that he's been able to get our daughter to/from preschool. It would be easier if we had public transportation, but unless I hijack one of the cows from the farm that backs up to our subdivision, I don't think that's an option.

I'm actually looking forward to the Epilepsy Walk in 2 weeks so that I can meet some other local people with varying kinds of epilepsy. I hope we manage to not only raise money for epilepsy research but also awareness/support. I want them to find medications that will stop seizures without the "dumbening" or other horrible side effects. Better yet, I want them to find a way to just stop the medications required. What I *REALLY* want more than anything, is to know that my children won't have to deal with this like I did.
Our team page for the Epilepsy Walk:

I didn't mean for this to just be one big, long whiiiiiine. (O Noes! Someone call the Wahhhhmbulance!) While there are some very real problems that go along w/this disorder, there are some very real annoyances too. I mean c'mon, sometimes I just like to stare off into space & daydream...don't you? And you don't have to ask me if I'm feeling OK *every* time I mix up words or pause to gather my thoughts...however, if I'm flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water, feel free to provide assistance. All in all, I always have considered myself one of the luckiest epileptics because I've talked to & seen people who have it so much worse. When Hubs & I were going through our fertility treatments, I stumbled across a quote that I saved because I thought it fit it many areas of my life, and it definitely fits here:

There will always be someone whose suffering is greater than yours,
It does not mean your pain doesn't matter.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Moving Day

I've decided to re-start my blog here, so I've moved the (pitiful) 2 entries I had on my old site. And I had to laugh when I noticed that the 1st was in Feb, the 2nd was in April & I plan on starting up again this month (June)...apparently, I'm on the blog-every-2-months plan. What can I say? I've always been sort of a non-traditional, do things my own way kinda' gal.

Speak No Evil 04/01/2009

My husband has written on his blog about some of the things children say and I just thought I'd expand on it, especially since yesterday morning provided me with the perfect opportunity.
I was dozing on the couch (as I am wont to do since my children have a habit of rising before the roosters) when my darling 4 year old daughter asked me "Mommy, what's that word on the refrigerator?" Now, we have all kinds of crap on our fridge, my daughter reads at a 1st-2nd grade level, and I've been exhausted from one of my meds (which I will thankfully be going off of!), so I barely lifted my head & said "Can you spell it for me, honey?" to which she replied "F...U...C... (about this time, I bolted upright on the couch & whipped my head towards the fridge, just as she said the last letter)...X" (WHEW!)
It turns out that she had been looking at our Leap Frog Fridge Phonics letters, and I had scooped several of them up off the floor the night before-apparently putting them back on the fridge in rather unfortunate placement. I explained to her that it wasn't a word, it was just how the letters were put together when I picked them up off the floor & it could have just as easily been XFCU. Her response? "That's silly! You can't even say that!"
Now I can only hope that I don't get a call from her (church-run) preschool letting us know that Miss Thing has informed the class that "FUCX isn't a word."

Invitation 02/16/2009

So I kept saying I was going to start a blog to purge everything out of my mind (like brain-vomit) and couldn't possibly handwrite a journal again because the partial-OCD in me would want to rip out a page every time I made a mistake. Hmm, maybe I should look into ring-binder style journals...nahh, I think my mom & brother's snooping through my diary during childhood scarred me...and yet, here I am publishing a blog on the innerwebs.
Anyway, those of you who know me know that I tend to be a little, um, "all over the place" to put it nicely. So basically this blog is going to sound like it is written by a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic w/Tourettes who remembers to take her medication only occasionally. In reality, I do not have those particular heath disorders, but have/have had more than my fair share of others & am not ashamed to talk about any of them-including the "girl stuff." Oh and by the way, it's not paranoia if they REALLY ARE out to get you.
So, I'm not sure how often I'll blog-could be frequently, could be a while between blogs. I'd like to claim that I have a life too, but we all know how often I'm on Facebook. I do however have a 4 year old, a 10 month old & a husband who occasionally acts like a 2 year old, and they do keep me somewhat busy. Until next time I'll leave you with one of my faves from good ol' Shel Silverstein, which is where I "borrowed" the title for my blog:

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in! Come in!